just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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