I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
