i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
