she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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