God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
thus making me awesome and them whores
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I smell like Dick and happiness
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
