My nipple is on Facebook.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
