I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
