Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
