I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He felt like a one man threesome
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
