i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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