I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Let's get the cat blown out
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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