even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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