I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
