I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize