You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
