she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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