I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
