I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
