Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
