: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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