FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
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2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
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May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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