all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
