So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
