i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
