I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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