I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
