I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
