Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
