i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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