Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
