If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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