are you still at the devil's house?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
