she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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