well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
