You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
