I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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