You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
