I just saw a hot homeless man
it was like his penis was on wheels.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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