i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
