Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
