Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
