Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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