Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
