booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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