He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
COCAINE IS GR8
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
