Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
