420 ftw
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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