Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
