dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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