I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Dicks are not precious.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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