the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
