i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
