Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
