He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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