All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
