she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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