smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
