Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
