I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
