her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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