I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
