The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
